One of the most frustrating things that I hear from women who plan dinner parties is that it’s hard to get an RSVP, so that causes stress. I will agree, we live in a new era where we just don’t take invitations seriously. I have been at fault in this area myself, embarrassingly so. If you missed yesterday’s post, it was on how to actually make the invite.
- I give myself a timeline for when I expect to hear back from my guests
- I either call or email and ask if they have an answer
It’s that simple. Follow up on your invite.
Here’s a bit of honestly. I really take dinner invites serious and get right back with the hostess when we are invited. I am not so good at getting back to the hostess who’s hosting a nighttime party, like clothing, candles, kitchen tools, etc. For years I sold Pampered Chef, so I remember the frustration involved.
I know this is a hot topic, so if you want to, fire away with your comments, observations, or ideas!
How do you deal with guests who don’t RSVP right away? Do you stress over it?
Book GIVEAWAY!
Today over at We are THAT Family, Kristen is giving away 3 copies of my new book, The Reluctant Entertainer.
I am reluctant about entertaining. My living areas are tiny and my kitchen is small. Plus, there’s the eating part.
I love food, but my cooking is not an art form.
My love for connecting with people forces me to put all that aside and entertain anyway. – Kristen, from We are THAT Family
Comment if you want win, and thank you, Kristen! And did you know that you can pre-order a copy of her new book, Don’t Make Me Come Up There? I can hardly wait to read this book, Kristen makes me laugh … HARD!
See what the other girls are saying in this 31 Days Series …
Chatting at the Sky, Nesting Place, Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, My First Kitchen, Life With My 3 Boybarians, Remodeling This Life, The Inspired Room
Hi, I'm Sandy. Five years ago I stocked up on beautiful glasses from the Dollar Store. As I started writing about dinner parties, I realized that this “icon” portrays a great message. 
One thing I do not put on my invitations is “regrets only.” I’ve found that simply doesn’t work and I still have no idea who is and is not attending. If I send an invitation through the mail, I follow up with phone calls. If my event is more casual (like Bunco), then I send out an e-mail reminder and even make phone calls if I need to. In respect to my own RSVPing, I keep a calendar up to date and so it is not difficult to quickly check our schedule, and then turn around a reply in a short amount of time. As annoying as it is to not get an RSVP, I believe most people aren’t really trying to be rude. I think, in general, that people try to do too much. They want to say yes, wait longer than they should, hoping their schedule will free up, and then they forget to respond.
Tara G.´s last [type] ..Random Post 846572
[Reply]
Oh yeah, this is quite the pet peeve. I usually send out the invitation with an RSVP date on it. About 3 days before, if I hadn’t heard back I’ll call. Calling is your best bet for getting an answer out of someone. Emails get deleted by accident or end up in the Spam folder. Calling gets you an answer right away. That is unless they are trying to avoid you and then your answer is probably no. HA! It seems that people are afraid to use the phone any more. Don’t be afraid. Make the call it will lower your stress level.
Have a blessed day!
Kim @ Homesteader’s Heart´s last [type] ..Paper- Printers- and Procrastination- Oh my!
[Reply]
I was wondering what you might have to say about this! It’s kind of comforting to me to know it’s a probably for those hostesses a little bit older than me. As a 20-something, I kind of thought it was something just my age group struggled with. Facebook invitations are the worst, since they come with a “maybe” RSVP option– Most people just RSVP “maybe,” forgetting that the hostess often has to prepare food based on RSVPs. Typically I avoid the Facebook route and do paper or email invitations; I generally get better responses that way, but inevitably there are people I call or email to get a final answer. I agree with Tara that people probably just try to do too much; I think sometimes, too (and this is sad), that people my age are waiting to see what other offers come in. Maybe that’s not the case, but it can feel that way, especially when those “maybe” RSVPs become “nos.” I think the key, though, is to just keep inviting. I’ve discovered the friends who genuinely love being invited and who enjoy getting together, and our gatherings are better because of it.
Annie´s last [type] ..the imperfect life
[Reply]
I wait until the last possible moment, usually 2 days before the event, and then make my calls to those who have not responded. If they’re still “wishy, washy”, then I just take the lead and say, “That’s ok if you can’t make it. We’ll do it another time. Bye”. No more flipping and flopping. On to fill my table! I so do love your blog. Keep up the great inspiration!
[Reply]
I use the “regrets only” line as well as that saves me time and saves time on the part of the invitee. As far as night time sales parties go….well, that is another issue. I have had 2 of these in my lifetime. One for a church member who was a new friend and whom I felt extremely sorry for. We had a wonderful party with record sales and she was very difficult to deal with once it was all over…at that point I said “never again”. Then my stepdaughter started selling Pampered Chef and so of course I held a huge party for her as well. I over-invited for both of these (around 40 people) and did not expect RSVP’s even though I requested them. My turnout at both parties was about 20 people with sales over $400 for each party. Here’s the peeve with the home parties…1. I am inviting my friends and acquaintances in my home to spend money to benefit me or the sales person, this makes me very uncomfortable. 2. It is a lot of work and a considerable investment to throw a great party that will be successful. If you are entertaining 20 women with food and drink, you will have to get your house ready and spend at least $50 on food and time preparing. Now, that doesn’t bother me as much as #1, but the issue still exists. 3. If I am invited to your home for a party, I feel obligated to spend money, not because I need something or because you are selling something I am particularly fond of, this is just how the game is played….This is the thing I hate the most. I like to say, “Instead of hosting a party, I’ll just write you a check for $100 and we’ll call it even”, because that’s how it usually works out for me.
Recently, I attended a party at a friends house where I made money. It was a gold jewelry party where you brought your old jewelry and the sales person purchased it from you. I went in with a bunch of broken, tangled old pieces of gold and came out with $350. Now that’s my kind of party! Well, this response is long enough to be it’s own blog, but it was a subject I was passionate about….
[Reply]
If I really have to know then I call. The worst is when you’re throwing showers and you don’t know those people to call them and see if they are coming. I usually RSVP as soon as I get the invitation in the mail before I lose it in the piles of paper.
[Reply]
Oh friend – you are hitting the nail on the head with this one, and I hate to admit that sometimes I do forget, especially with the direct sale parties. (And I know better because I sold PC too.
)
Off to finish today’s post.
(But I do have the outline for all my days done…finally. lol)
Jen@Balancing Beauty and Bedlam´s last [type] ..Freebie- Touch up and Go Cleaning Pack limited offer
[Reply]
I try to be really good at RSVPing. I too know how frustrating it is to not recieve those. I agree, it is easier to RSVP to a dinner party than a “buying” party, though my heart is to do it for both. If I don’t receive an RSVP by the time I need it I’ll follow up.
For our December trip away, we are inviting a few different families to join us on different occasions. One gal (once we nailed down that they were coming), already had decided what meals she would be making while they were down. (We ask each family to take a dinner and a breakfast, and I take care of the rest.)
Kirstin´s last [type] ..Recipe- Churros
[Reply]
I agree with you! I tried my hand at selling jewelry this way and I ended up hating the way it made me feel. I found it uncomfortable to invite people over so that they can buy things…and it was always such a hassle. I’ve since been invited to other parties that are absolutely nothing that I’d want to buy so I don’t go to the party because of the obligation I feel to make a purchase. I hate direct sales parties! ;o)
[Reply]
I really try to RSVP promptly, Sandy, because I know how frustrating it can be from the other end. I like the “regrets only” approach. What do you think of e-vites?
I’ve really enjoyed reading your book. Almost finished!
Elen´s last [type] ..What’s up with bacon…
[Reply]
Opps! My above post was in response to Jenna’s comment. Sorry!
I do want to say that I am enjoying the 31 Days posts. I would really like to be more of a hostess but am always so worried about everything being perfect that I freeze up and end up doing nothing. I am hoping that I can change my attitude about entertaining. Thanks for the great posts!
[Reply]
I find that whatever type of invitation I use, including an e-mail in addition to a phone number seems to help. That way when someone remembers at midnight that they need to respond to my invite they can shoot me off an e-mail.
As for the selling parties, I’ve thrown a few myself and I just really like the show of support for the sales person that a house full sends so I go to the parties, usually bring a friend, but don’t feel bad about it if I don’t find something I want to buy.
Am I wrong?
Oops?
Merry´s last [type] ..Happy Birthday Mom!
[Reply]
Guests who do not RSVP is my # 1 drawback of entertaining. I struggle with this every time and wish people would understand that not responding is not a response! People have NO clue how much effort goes into entertaining until they plan something themselves. People also do not realize how rude and inconsiderate they are being to their hosts by not responding. I have tried “regrets only”- fail. I have to bold my text and state clearly “Please RSVP if you ARE or ARE NOT attending” and when that does not work… I hate to bug people but I end up calling them for an answer… or we’re unable to plan appropriately. Wasting food is s shame and I would never want to be short on food. Its one thing to account for 2-3 extra people but when entire families do not respond, that completely changes the dynamics.
Rebecca- I love your short and to the point reply to the wishy-washy types. I’m going to have to try that next time- say my piece, hang up, move on.
Chris D´s last [type] ..Flowers in my garden
[Reply]
As for the selling type parties, I just had a jewelry one last week. Invited 40 people, only 4 RSVP’d and I would say about 25 showed up. ???? I emailed reminders are talked to a few in person. As for entertaining well I’m not quite there yet, still working on getting enough seating.
[Reply]
I would love to have your book!!
[Reply]
We are going to be planning a wedding and when the reception costs up to $50 a person or more I guess I’m going to be doing lot’s of calling and nailing people down on whether they are coming or not. Bottom line it’s really irresponsible and selfish not to follow through no matter how you sugar coat the excuses! How’s that for being honest…let’s call it tough love :0)
ellen b´s last [type] ..Just Out My Door…
[Reply]
So true. I usually follow up on everyone and plan for two extra. It is frustrating and it seems more prevalent with young families.
Nikole Hahn´s last [type] ..Mama Cried
[Reply]
I’ve been on both ends of the RSVP conundrum: Stressed over waiting – and putting if off because I honestly don’t know yet about scheduling.
I think it goes back to we all try to do too much. We are an over-scheduled culture.
darcy @ m3b´s last [type] ..Understanding Aperture Part 2 Day 6
[Reply]
When my children were younger, planning an evening took a lot more time and effort and I would feel disappointed when people would commit to coming and not show up. For awhile, I stopped taking as much initiative, but then I decided even if there were a few, it was way way worth having time with special friends, than me getting upset and NOT planning anything. If I haven’t heard back, I like to call. I think as I have gotten older {LOTS!} I have put away the ridiculous expectations of perfection and plan things to be special but not as “over the top” to where it is all about the event and not about the realtionships. Sandy, your constant reminders are so appreciated and welcome!
lisa´s last [type] ..Pumpkin Muffin Donuts
[Reply]
I hosted a Ladies Brunch today at our church. It was very informal and the purpose was to fellowship with each other and get to know each other better. I passed out invitations to all the ladies at church. Very few called with their regrets, but what was worse, some had said they were coming and didn’t show up. No call, no email, nothing. I purchased and paid for all the groceries out of my own money (which was a sacrifice, as my husband just went back to work after being unemployed for a yr and just had surgery).I cooked and baked everything from scratch. I put in a lot of hours which I didn’t mind, but was very disappointed with the “no shows”. I came home with more food than my husband and I can eat, I will probably give it to our out of work neighbor. No wonder some say, “I’m not doing this again”.
[Reply]
There is nothing wrong with “tough love” – it needs to be done and I’m all for it. People who don’t respond are rude and inconsiderate so they should not be offended when you phone for their answer.
Possibly the only way ‘regrets only’ would work is if you wish to take the time to follow up via phone or email to those who did not respond. You could call/email to say, “I’m so glad you can make it and am looking forward to seeing you.” and if they act surprised (because they are really not coming) you can state, “The invitation said ‘regrets only’ so since you did not reply I presumed you’d be there.” It is a somewhat smart-aleck approach but it would make a point.
Personally I loathe excuses. Either you want to be there, or you don’t, or you can’t. Do not make excuses, sugar-coated or otherwise. Give reasons if you have to say something other than “sorry, we cannot make it.” Be honest.
Darcy- I agree 100%. People are over scheduled and over committed. For my husband and I, it has come down to inviting people 1-2 months in advance and if its a big event, sending ‘save the date’ emails about 4-5 months out. Its crazy, I know. Sad, too.
Chris D´s last [type] ..Flowers in my garden
[Reply]
Great comments so far! I agree…..pick up the phone. Don’t put it on them how they forgot to RSVP….just put it that you really would enjoy their company and hoped they’d be able to make it. Its all in how you phrase it. Enjoying your 31 days BTW!!
[Reply]
I really like Evites. First, because you can see who else is invited, and if I, as a guest, see that someone hasn’t yet responded I might mention it to them. Evites also send out reminders to the invitees which I know has prompted me to rsvp more than once. Oh, and they’re clutter free.
[Reply]
I would love to win the book – I love to entertain but guests who don’t show and never rsvp are frustrating and irritating. It seems to be the casual way people treat parties nowadays.
[Reply]
I agree with you, getting people to commit to anything these days it quite a struggle. But that being said, we have LOST the art of not only entertaining but the art of being a gracious guest. We all need to reeducate those around us about what is expected when they receive an invitation. In this rapid fire, non personal lifestyle that we all get caught up in, it takes time and patience to GENTLY educate others. Always remember that this is supposed to be an encouraging type of envionment. So take a deep breath and remember it all works out, if someone forgets to RSVP and then shows up , just throw another bean in the pot and enjoy their company. And do you part follow up on those invites, it helps build that relationship.
Blessings to you and yours
Curtis & Sherrie
[Reply]
I have been guilty of not RSVPing. But since I have had a few parties lately and have seen how important it was for me to know how many were coming, I have vowed to do better at it myself!
Traci´s last [type] ..House Tour Part One and Time to Vote for Your Favorite Project!
[Reply]
I have a lot of frustration over people who do not RSVP. It is just plan rude. I stress then call or email the week before the party. For people who continue to not RSVP for my parties and are not close friends – I quit inviting them. I think it is an honor to be invited to someone’s gathering. It means that someone has thought of you, wants you to be a part of your event and that they enjoy your company. If someone can’t find time to respond in a reasonable amount of time they must not be that interested. I like everyone else am way over scheduled, but if I am spending a huge effort to have a party that takes a tremendous amount of time, I would like to know that they are happy to attend.
Susan @ Entertain Exchange´s last [type] ..Halloween Vampire Party – Family Friendly
[Reply]
I found out the hard way after my daughter’s wedding that guests just don’t get it. I now make sure that every invitation I receive is replied to promptly. That being said, I think our lives are so filled with to do lists, that people just put off a reply, or simply forget, leaving the hostess in the dilemma of wondering who is actually going to attend. It’s now time to host a baby shower for my daughter and I included my email address along with the phone number hoping this may prompt more guests to RSVP. I know it may not be proper etiquette, but I’m hoping it may just work!
[Reply]
Question: 4 couples that we are friends with are forming a supper club. I am so excited about this!! It will be once a month, and we will take turns hosting. My husband and I are hosting the first one. While the point of this is to get a little fancier than normal and treat ourselves to a nice meal with friends, I don’t want it to get to the point where we are all pulling out elaborate tricks and one-upping each other every month. I’ve been in clubs before where this has happened, and then no one wants to host anymore because the standard is so high, it’s an enormous amount of work for the host!! Does anyone else know what I’m talking about?
Since I’m hosting the first supper club, I feel like I am setting the standard. So what could I serve that would be nice, but not too nice (a simple gourmet type thing)? I do LOVE to cook, decorate, and make my home welcoming.
Sorry for the long post, but any help would be appreciated!
Sarah´s last [type] ..Multiple Design Personality Disorder
[Reply]
My husband and I don’t socialize much, and come from families who don’t, so we don’t have some of the innate social knowledge that many other people do. We both always thought that RSVP meant to respond only if you ARE attending. Since we attend most events we are invited to, that usually worked well. Recently, we were invited to a wedding that we could not attend, so we did not respond. When the bride called us and seemed a little miffed, I realized I should find out the proper meaning of RSVP. When reading blogs and discussions, it turns out that quite a few people truly believed that RSVP meant to only respond if you are attending. Many more knowledgable posters told those people that they should have looked up the meaning if they weren’t sure. But it’s not that we’re not sure, we think we know what it means, we were just wrong. So please keep that in mind when thinking non-RSVPers are rude and thoughtless. Also, I have a friend who lives a small rural town mostly made up of low-income Hispanic meat-packing plant workers. When she had a birthday party for her son, she invited his entire elementary school class. No one RSVP’d but a few people did attend. She wondered if there was a cultural difference. That is another thing to consider. From now on, if I host an event, I will make it perfectly clear that I am requesting an RSVP whether they will be attending or not. Maybe that’s not proper etiquette, but I don’t think most people know proper etiquette anymore anyway.
[Reply]
So many manners have sadly gone by the wayside; this is another good example of that.
I try to always send an RSVP in a timely manner, though sometimes I have to wait until the last minute due to a very odd family/work schedule. However, I know how important that reply is for planning purposes.
I have been the one left wondering in the past, and that is no fun. Note to others: when you are sent one of those online invites, the host/hostess can see who has viewed it. So when you keep looking to see who is coming and never respond it doesn’t sit well with the hostess. Ask me how I know.
[Reply]
LeftCoastOnlooker Reply:
October 21st, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Good point, April!
LeftCoastOnlooker´s last [type] ..The New Potato Sack Dress
[Reply]
I find it really difficult to deal with people that won’t get back to you or commit to a planned time/event. Whether it be RSVPing for an event or just trying to find a time to “get-together,” I feel like our culture has become very wishy washy. I try to make a decision when I get an invite, not waiting to see if something else will come up. Then I let the host or friend know. It’s kind to let my yes mean yes and give an honest no if I’m not going to be able to make it, rather than trying to fit too many things into a timeslot that is already busy. Something I feel strongly about. Not exactly on topic, but hey.
[Reply]
What about those people who say “yes” and then don’t show? I’ve stopped entertaining groups and only have one or two couples over now. Several of my friends are doing the same. It bites hard!
Teri´s last [type] ..Another Baby All Grown Up Now
[Reply]
LeftCoastOnlooker Reply:
October 21st, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Dn’t invite them next time — they’ve shown by their actions that they do not value the relationship.
LeftCoastOnlooker´s last [type] ..The New Potato Sack Dress
[Reply]
If someone does not respond to a dinner invitation, they have no right to attend.
If I inadvertently miss RSVP-ing, I write a quick note of apology but do not attend, because I didn’t not RSVP on time. Why is this a common courtesy that we’ve allowed to go by the wayside?
LeftCoastOnlooker´s last [type] ..The New Potato Sack Dress
[Reply]