A Cry for Help–I Don’t Want to Entertain Over the Holidays
The holidays are here, whether we like it or not. November is the month we start planning, getting dates on the calendar, inviting, thinking up menus, cooking, getting our houses ready for the holidays.
Are you excited or do you already feel burned out … and the festivities haven’t even begun?
A long-time follower of RE recently wrote to me, and in true honesty, I thanked her for being real. Real, because I know many of us dread the holidays and have the exact same feelings.
I’m not a reluctant entertainer by any means; in fact, I regularly offer to host gatherings at my house and throw a couple of big parties each year. However, I am frustrated.
I feel that in our group of friends, I am the ONLY one who actually hosts people. It seems as though everyone else has one excuse or another as to why they can’t have people over. So as a result, I am the one putting out quite a bit of money and time to host people, and I feel as though I receive nothing in return. I understand that the payoff for me should be that everyone has a great time, and I am happy when they do, but it’d be nice to not have to cram a lot of people into my smallish house once in awhile and deal with the setup, cleanup, and aftermath of spending a few hundred dollars to entertain.
Much of my frustration came about recently when I hosted a party. I didn’t get a chance to mingle as much as I had wanted and I ended up not enjoying myself at all–to the point where I’m not doing this again next year. Even with small get-togethers, we are friends with only one couple that reciprocates at all when it comes to entertaining. It’s nice to not have to do most of the work sometimes and to feel appreciated when we are invited to someone else’s house. But with most of our friends, we are either going out to a restaurant or meeting up at my house.
My husband and I wonder, are we just not on the “A” list and maybe some of our friends really are entertaining and they just don’t invite us? I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings about all of this. As we come upon the holiday season, I’d love to have a few couples over but then again, I don’t feel as though it should be up to me to host ALL THE TIME if we want to see each other. Ironically, my house is the smallest of all in our circle of friends, yet I’m always the hostess.
What do you think? Do I just need to get over myself and be grateful that people like to come to my house and that they end up having a good time, or am I a little justified in not wanting to always put out the expense and the work it takes to be a good hostess? Or is it something else all together?
I think people are just not entertaining like they should. I doubt there is an A list. I know people have judged me for having an A list, when in reality sometimes we just want to invite people over who inspire and lift others up, who are encouraging and know how to have a fun time. The other thing about A or B lists is that, in our minds, we build traditions. As in, this group comes together, and the next time, the same people should be invited.
I like to mix it up. That is what hospitality is all about. And it’s always rewarding to invite new people over. Life is about growing, building new relationships, expanding our horizons, and getting to know new people and what they are about.
It’s inspiring to invite new people over. It’s also comfortable to invite long-time friends over.
Signs of entertaining burnout:
You did not enjoy yourself when the guests left
You did too much
You didn’t delegate any of the dishes
You didn’t have a good attitude
You didn’t include your spouse’s opinion in the first place. Was he/she on board?
You’re resentful of the money spent
You’re resentful of no reciprocation
You’re inviting out of obligation, not because you want to form new relationships or stronger bonds
There’s nothing worse than bad feelings when you shut the door after the last guest leaves.
I could be judged on this answer, but make sure that if you’re feeling burn-out, the next time you should simplify, invite people you really want to be with, delegate so you don’t have to do it all, and that you do a heart check (again, my husband is my barometer).
The last time you entertained, how did you feel when your guests left?
Hello and welcome to my home and table!
I’m Sandy—lover of food, family, cooking, THE BIG BOARD, travel, and bringing people together. Through great recipes and connection around the table, we become better, stronger, and more courageous people. Feasting on Life is real, and every time we do it, we grow a little more. Read more...
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Boy, does she read my mail or what? We’ve done Thanksgiving for the last 15 years, here in England where it is a quaint ‘American’ tradition. It is several days’ work preparing my Mom and Grandmother’s traditional meals for anywhere from 15 to 42 people. I wouldn’t bother for anything else – it is what makes Thanksgiving enjoyable to me, preparing those foods. I can count on one hand the number of people who have invited us over for anything like a meal. For a while I had parties for New Years, Valentines, St Pats, you name it, but not now. I don’t have as much money as I did before I retired, for one, and It became a chore rather than a pleasure. We still do dinner parties amongst those few people who reciprocate – that’s how to get on an A list as far as I’m concerned. I know that this website is about loving other people and all, but my Dad used to say that there is a big difference between feeling useful and feeling used. I aim always for the former because I do hate feeling the latter.
Hi, Shelley, I’d say most of our friends do reciprocate. I like your mindset, here:
We still do dinner parties amongst those few people who reciprocate – that’s how to get on an A list as far as I’m concerned.
It’s true that people should figure it out that hospitality should be a two-way street. We can use the excuse “it’s just not my gift,” but I think it’s an excuse. Does it mean we really don’t try?
For me though, so I don’t feel resentful, means it comes back to a heart-check!
I could definitely relate to this post. Last year I started having ladies at my house for dinner once a month or once every other month with the idea that we would get to know one another, it would be an open invitation if they had someone to invite. The idea was that I would start this, in turn hoping that each lady would be inspired to open their home, and we could grow this little supper thing into many ladies. However, that is not what happend. They loved coming to my house, I loved getting ready and we had a great time, but when we started our kitchen remodel they were ready for me to be done, and do it again, and no one was willing to pick it up and continue. We had a great time, but I became a little frustrated that no one wanted to make the effort. I have not done much since then, but it is time for me to open up my home again, this time w/ no expectations.
Hi, Jackie.
“The idea was that I would start this, in turn hoping that each lady would be inspired to open their home, and we could grow this little supper thing into many ladies.”
Again, expectations absolutely ruin a hospitable spirit, don’t they?
Glad you figured it out, Jackie. Thanks for sharing!
Totally related to the statement of burnt out. I also did virtually all the entertaining for friends, groups, family and after 40 years decided to hang it up. For me I have no regrets except I wish I had stopped much earlier. I wore my wings off!
So sorry, JMD. I’d for sure tell young people who are just starting out with entertaining to have “healthy boundaries,” and pay attention to burn out. It’s okay to take a break, not do it all, delegate, and then pick it up again when the time is right.
It should be a blessing, not drudgery.
Thank you for sharing!
I reconciled this issue (pretty much) by realizing hospitality is a gift that I can extend to others. When it is given with strings attached—it’s no longer a gift, but something else—-a transaction of sorts. I also know hospitality is a practice that is fairly easy for me—and it’s not for others.
So I try to give freely—-set my own boundaries by keeping it simple (I agree with Sandy here, bring your spouse into the planning. Mine helps me to keep things realistic) Something like a salad and spaghetti is delicious and affordable—I no longer stress about the house being just so, or the food being extraordinary, or if we’ll be invited in return.
Sometimes though–I really just feel like I want to go all out—and at those times I find it great fun, but not on a regular basis. It does take a lot of energy and tends to be expensive.
In our family circle, we insist people contribute and take turns.
The main thing is, it’s the people that are important. Anytime we invest in relationship, we lay up treasure in heaven.
love you Sandy
Love you, Myrna. I’ve learned a lot about hospitality from you and have enjoyed many great meals in your home. I think you and I both couldn’t even count the different people we’ve hosted in our homes, and we’re always looking for more opportunities.
This is powerful:
“Anytime we invest in relationship, we lay up treasure in heaven.”
Thank you, Myrna!
We just got to celebrate my Dad’s 85th birthday…. and got to have my brothers and their wives over for a sweet dinner, last year I had all the sister-in-laws bring pies.. this year I asked the one who made the best one to bring pie!!! But as our evening was ending I said to my oldest brother… “so lets have Thanksgiving at your house this year!”… and he smiled big and said, “oh you do such a great job, we should have it here!”
I’ve become my mom after all, and host almost all our gatherings here, except when my mom can’t stand it anymore and we’ll have something at her house…
As far as friends go, I started calling sometimes and asking what they were having for dinner, and usually they would say…”come on over!” After a few times, they realized that it wasn’t that big of a deal to make a few more tacos….and started calling us, we now enjoy some weeknight,” don’t stay to late dinners” with friends who thought entertaining was not their thing…and they are better cooks than they believed they were, just because they never tried!
Carrie, SO encouraging. I hope everyone reads your comment and realizes entertaining doesn’t have to look like a magazine!
Love this:
“we now enjoy some weeknight,” don’t stay to late dinners” with friends who thought entertaining was not their thing.”
Thanks for sharing!
My last “entertainment” was Memorial Day, and it was a family function. I had a great time and enjoyed myself immensely, so I guess that means I’m good to go another round. :)
Hi Sandy,
Your advice is excellent! I also agree with you that I don’t think that most folks have any sort of “A-List”. Instead, I think most folks just don’t enjoy entertaining. I often here from friends that they hate having company because they would have to spend a week cleaning up their house. Your advice in the past that people are not coming to see their house – but to see them – is always excellent. And true.
In my social circle, none of us have perfect homes. We all have kids, some of us homeschool, some of us work outside the home…and so the task of just keeping our homes livable is a never ending job. But I will take livable any day over perfect if it means I can get together and visit with my friends. Besides – – – don’t we all feel better when we go to someone’s home and it’s not perfect? There’s a certain solidarity – comradery – in knowing that you’re not alone when it comes to house cleaning…and the wash! LOL!
And for those who always seem they are on the entertaining end of the stick – – – Sandy, your advice is spot on…share the load. That’s why I love pot-lucks. Everyone has to bring something and that way the hostesses only has to prepare one dish and can enjoy the company.
As always, thanks for a wonderful post.
Love,
Mary
Sharing the load is really the secret.
Also love your comment:
“Don’t we all feel better when we go to someone’s home and it’s not perfect? There’s a certain solidarity – comradery – in knowing that you’re not alone when it comes to house cleaning.”
I love the motivation to get my house clean, IF I have the time, but with last-minute guests the state of my house “is what it is.”
Thanks for sharing, Mary!
My wife and I have the same experience with entertaining. We are learning to welcome the “what can I bring” question and not expect invites. I do understand how much work it is to cook, clean, get house set up, anticipate the needs of the guests and make everyone feel welcome. You have to like doing it more than you don’t like it.
We are often exhausted when the last person leaves and are deciding what has to be done now and what can wait until morning.
We are hosting my wife’s brother,wife and 2 kids for the week after Christman. We know it is a lot of work but are so looking forward to seeing them and the experience of them in our home.
Hi, Rick.
Expectations can kill us, can’t they?
Love your words:
We are learning to welcome the “what can I bring” question and not expect invites.
Thanks for sharing on RE! :)
Carrie has it right…. Everyone is time starved and I think most people are intimidated by the prospect of throwing a party. They may think if it’s not “Martha perfect” it will be a failure. Some of the best parties are the most casual. One of my friends has a “Redneck Turkey Fry” party the Wednesday before Thanksgiving each year. The guest dress up in tacky gear (I was Peg Bundy from “Married with Children” one year) and guests bring tacky foods like Cheese Whiz, Ho Ho’s and White Castle sliders. We have a hilarious time, without candle light and crystal. My neighbor and I are the ones who always throw the Christmas, Halloween, Ornament decorating and Valentine card making parties. Hardly anyone reciprocates. It used to irritate me, but you all are right. Many people are busy, tired, uninspired and intimidated. I come from a long line of party hosts, so it’s in my blood, and my husband loves it, too. Money has been very tight the last few years, so we have scaled down, but have managed, by hook and crook to have friends over. It is fun!
Hi, Lori.
True:
“Many people are busy, tired, uninspired and intimidated. ”
But boy, are these people missing out on some of the greatest blessings in life, aren’t they?
Thanks for sharing!