A Cry for Help–I Don’t Want to Entertain Over the Holidays
The holidays are here, whether we like it or not. November is the month we start planning, getting dates on the calendar, inviting, thinking up menus, cooking, getting our houses ready for the holidays.
Are you excited or do you already feel burned out … and the festivities haven’t even begun?
A long-time follower of RE recently wrote to me, and in true honesty, I thanked her for being real. Real, because I know many of us dread the holidays and have the exact same feelings.
I’m not a reluctant entertainer by any means; in fact, I regularly offer to host gatherings at my house and throw a couple of big parties each year. However, I am frustrated.
I feel that in our group of friends, I am the ONLY one who actually hosts people. It seems as though everyone else has one excuse or another as to why they can’t have people over. So as a result, I am the one putting out quite a bit of money and time to host people, and I feel as though I receive nothing in return. I understand that the payoff for me should be that everyone has a great time, and I am happy when they do, but it’d be nice to not have to cram a lot of people into my smallish house once in awhile and deal with the setup, cleanup, and aftermath of spending a few hundred dollars to entertain.
Much of my frustration came about recently when I hosted a party. I didn’t get a chance to mingle as much as I had wanted and I ended up not enjoying myself at all–to the point where I’m not doing this again next year. Even with small get-togethers, we are friends with only one couple that reciprocates at all when it comes to entertaining. It’s nice to not have to do most of the work sometimes and to feel appreciated when we are invited to someone else’s house. But with most of our friends, we are either going out to a restaurant or meeting up at my house.
My husband and I wonder, are we just not on the “A” list and maybe some of our friends really are entertaining and they just don’t invite us? I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings about all of this. As we come upon the holiday season, I’d love to have a few couples over but then again, I don’t feel as though it should be up to me to host ALL THE TIME if we want to see each other. Ironically, my house is the smallest of all in our circle of friends, yet I’m always the hostess.
What do you think? Do I just need to get over myself and be grateful that people like to come to my house and that they end up having a good time, or am I a little justified in not wanting to always put out the expense and the work it takes to be a good hostess? Or is it something else all together?
I think people are just not entertaining like they should. I doubt there is an A list. I know people have judged me for having an A list, when in reality sometimes we just want to invite people over who inspire and lift others up, who are encouraging and know how to have a fun time. The other thing about A or B lists is that, in our minds, we build traditions. As in, this group comes together, and the next time, the same people should be invited.
I like to mix it up. That is what hospitality is all about. And it’s always rewarding to invite new people over. Life is about growing, building new relationships, expanding our horizons, and getting to know new people and what they are about.
It’s inspiring to invite new people over. It’s also comfortable to invite long-time friends over.
Signs of entertaining burnout:
You did not enjoy yourself when the guests left
You did too much
You didn’t delegate any of the dishes
You didn’t have a good attitude
You didn’t include your spouse’s opinion in the first place. Was he/she on board?
You’re resentful of the money spent
You’re resentful of no reciprocation
You’re inviting out of obligation, not because you want to form new relationships or stronger bonds
There’s nothing worse than bad feelings when you shut the door after the last guest leaves.
I could be judged on this answer, but make sure that if you’re feeling burn-out, the next time you should simplify, invite people you really want to be with, delegate so you don’t have to do it all, and that you do a heart check (again, my husband is my barometer).
The last time you entertained, how did you feel when your guests left?
Hello and welcome to my home and table!
I’m Sandy—lover of food, family, cooking, THE BIG BOARD, travel, and bringing people together. Through great recipes and connection around the table, we become better, stronger, and more courageous people. Feasting on Life is real, and every time we do it, we grow a little more. Read more...
I can relate as well. I was always the one to host Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it does get to be expensive. And, I felt the same way…I was the one cleaning, preparing, washing dishes, and when it was all said and done after only and hour or so of eating…I was the one who was miserable. A few years back, I talked with my husband and our girls and made a very bold request…just the four of us for Thanksgiving that year. Yes, it made some others unhappy at first but we had the best time. We have since hosted and helped host, but now we SHARE the responsibilties.
I think people feel the need to do it ALL if they are the ones doing the inviting, that truly is NOT the case. Most friends (true friends) would be happy to help out and contribute. So don’t hesitate to ask, or if asked… tell them something they can do. The harsh reality is, it will weed out the ones who are in it for the wrong reasons.
Hi, Lauren. I agree with you:
I think people feel the need to do it ALL if they are the ones doing the inviting, that truly is NOT the case.
Trying to do it all = misery!
Once you get the concept down and include others, it’s much easier. And enjoyable. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Thanks for sharing, girl.
Wow, there are times when I think that Sandy has sat in on a conversation my wife and I had. We were just talking about the same facts, you open your home up, you do the cleaning, the prep, the set up, most of the cooking, and then wonder….. why have we not been invited to so and so’s house for a meal or a party?
Well like a previous commentor said, some people just do not have the gift of hospitality, and to be quite honest are not interested in even trying to learn how.
We have been told that entertaining is too expensive, it is, it is too much work, it is, it is not fun, at times they are right. But to all of those nay sayers I ask,…….. then why when we invite you are you the first person at the door?
My wife and I always offer to bring something to a hosts home, food, beverages, paper goods, flowers, and have even offered to come early and help with the set up. We never go empty handed. And when we are asked to bring one dish we usually bring 2. I am not bragging here, just letting people know that there are those who love to entertain and get it, and when they are invited are appreciative of the invite and make sure that they bring something… and there are those who just don’t get it. We have one family member that when you ask her to bring something, and when we have family over it is at least 20 people…… she brings a dish that feeds 2 to 3…arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….
Yes it gets frustrating, and expensive, and at times hurtful…… but you know what??? You allow all of that to happen, yep YOU, because YOUR expectations are not met, read the WORD- YOUR -, and I am talking to myself here I have been there a time or 2….
So just remember that we are opening up not only our homes…. but our hearts…. and our lives….. and we should do it without expectations, we should do it to show God’s love, to those around us. We do not know what experience good or bad that some of our friends may have had at entertaining. Oh my gosh when we were first married, we had to throw the entire meal out and order pizza because I forgot to turn down the oven and burnt it all to pieces….. we could have let that devastate us but we didn’t, we still laugh at eating pizza on our wedding china, the table all decked out with candles, and flowers, and pizza and salad!!!
Sorry to ramble on so but this really is a topic that I love, entertaining…. and it is a learned activity. And while I am rambling ……. THANK YOU NOTES…… better stop now but this is a topic we should all visit at some time.
As we approach the holidays, slow down, breath, and entertain….. with abandon, open your home, your heart and your life to those around you…….. you will be blessed !!
Blessings to all
Curtis & Sherrie
Thanks for sharing, Curtis. I must say, however, that I have a hard time with this … not necessarily your words but the concept:
“Some people just do not have the gift of hospitality, and to be quite honest are not interested in even trying to learn how.”
I agree with you, but … we say we don’t have the gift of hospitality. Does that mean that we are off the hook to be hospitable toward others? Really?
Love your last paragraph too … with abandon! Yes!
The last time I entertained I had my girlies over for a ladies night. This is where I experiement with appetizers and drinks I know my family wouldn’t try. My friends love coming over and eating exciting new things and catching up. I do this every other month.
I could never have done this a year ago until I bought Sandy’s book. I was a Reluctant Entertainer in a HUGE way. No I take baby steps and don’t blink an eye in asking someone to bring something.
I
Oh, wow! Michelle! Thank you for sharing … sounds like a great time, but you are right. It starts with baby steps! :)
Oh, I have such conflicting emotions reading this. I am so thankful for the honesty of your reader. Additionally, I am so very sad for her and the others that commented and have exeperienced similar things. It sounds just plain hurtful.
I am going to leave the responding to those things to Sandy, because of course they want YOUR feedback, girl! And it also inspires me to say a prayer that theses ladies receive above and beyond that which they have given.
Their experience also made me grateful for my own. I am a single lady in community with a number of other single friends as well as couples. The couples in my life have adopted me as a member of their families and it is a routine thing for me to get invited to their homes. I try to reciprocate, but what that tends to look like is me house sitting for them so they don’t have to pay someone else, babysitting for them, and trying to spoil my girlfriends a bit that might not be able to spoil themselves because of their responsibilties. But my experience has been all of the couples practice hospitality and resciprocity. It is very imperfect. Houses are sometimes clean, sometimes not. Kids are sometimes well-behaved, sometimes not. I’m down with that, because it adds to the familial feel.
Anywhoo, to answer Sandy’s question, I am 100% stoked about entertaining this year. I’ve been thinking that I want to do something, but did not know what. I have a precious little house that has become a place of outreach to young ladies, married mamas, and women of all kinds. One of my very dearest called from her new-home state of Texas and asked if I would be willing to hostess a ladies night when she and her husband pass through from western N.C. to S.C. to see their respective families. This is at testimony to how I have changed and my heart has opened up: I just grinned and grinned all evening. Feels like a blank canvas, and I can’t wait to love on the girls in this tangible way, while delegating some things to them, too. :)
Refreshing and beautiful. Thank you, Danielle!
I can relate! Then I stopped hosting. Sort of. ;)
Being the only one in my family who does the entertaining = Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, summer BBQ’s, it can be quite daunting sometimes – the time, the energy and the expense. But then I realize that it’s what I like to do. I like to gather friends and family into our home. I am most comfortable being the hostess rather than the guest. It’s probably a control issue.
Last year, I couldn’t host the family gathering for Christmas as I had just had surgery. I truly missed that experience and am already planning this year’s gathering.
Recently you spoke about hospitality being your gift to friends and family. It truly spoke to my heart. My hospitality is my gift. If I’m waiting for that gift to be reciprocated, I’ll be sorely dissapointed.
But when I feel like entertaining is a burden, then I know it’s time to stop. This girl is definitely on entertainer burn-out. My advice is to take a break this year, enjoy time with her husband and family and create some new traditions that don’t include large parties.
Amen, sister. WISE words that you shared here:
My hospitality is my gift. If I’m waiting for that gift to be reciprocated, I’ll be sorely disappointed.
But when I feel like entertaining is a burden, then I know it’s time to stop.
Thank you for sharing!
I absolutely feel the same way! But here’s the dirty little secret – my family was ALWAYS inviting people over to our house when I was growing up and my mother thrived on practicing hospitality (one of her spiritual gifts), but I can think of only 4-5 times that WE were invited over to someone else’s house for a meal. Hospitality, the act of opening up your home to others, is just not something that people do anymore (or so it seems). My husband and I have worked at being intentional about having people over. Sometimes the people we select click and it’s great, but othertimes, it’s a one-time invite.
We rarely get invited over for a meal at other’s homes, but in the end, I realized that they may hate doing it even more than I do – or more to the point – they don’t think they can. They worry about the house being perfect and spotless (it never will be), they worry that they won’t have enough room (people will sit on the floor if there’s no where else), they worry that the food won’t be as good as it should be (scrape the burned bottom off the biscuits, laugh about it and move on – we’ve all been there), and the list of “What ifs…” goes on and on and on.
In order to entertain I had to get over myself. I also had to come to grips with the fact that if I was inviting people over with the motive of being invited to their house later, I was always going to be disappointed. Once I moved on from that, if we ever do get an invite – what a wonderful surprise! Otherwise, come on over to our house and make yourself at home! I don’t consider hospitality to be one of my gifts, but I know that it’s a blessing to others to feel like we care enough to invite them into our house. Yes, there may be dirty dishes (use paper), the soup may run out (just had that happen – talk about embarrassing!), people may see the dust bunny that you missed, but they’re not going to remember any of that if you make an effort to relax and have fun with it.
For the record, I think everyone goes through times of burn out on entertaining and having people over, and that’s ok too – take a break! If someone asks why there’s no party this year, tell them you decided to simplify this Christmas and you’re taking a year off from the party. You may be surprised who invites you over instead! Remember, Martha Stewart may LOOK like she does it all, but the reality is, she has a staff. :-)
Hi, Carrie. Simplifying brings freedom, yes! I also love how you say you and your husband are intentional. We are the same way.
(Your words): In order to entertain I had to get over myself. I also had to come to grips with the fact that if I was inviting people over with the motive of being invited to their house later, I was always going to be disappointed.
Thank you for sharing these words. It’s best not to set ourself up for disappointment ahead of time, is it? :)
I’ve been where that reader is at. Usually it’s my BFF and I that host any kind of get togethers. Sometimes I think I try to force friendships that aren’t really there even though when these people come over we have a great time but unless I make the effort to contact them, I don’t hear from them.
Every year we have a Christmas party and I put forth A LOT of effort in doing it. There has only been one flop and the others have been great. I admit that I spend most of my time “working” the party but I love looking back and seeing what a great time everyone had.
We thought about scaling down this year and only inviting people that have actually made an effort to contact us throughout the year but then we decided that it would probably be a pretty small party. LOL!
Like you said, I just don’t think people entertain as much any more and most families are just to busy to do anything, which is sad.
Well those are my thoughts on the matter.
Have a lovely day.
Kim
Kim, your words are true here:
Sometimes I think I try to force friendships that aren’t really there even though when these people come over we have a great time but unless I make the effort to contact them, I don’t hear from them.
This is where we have to decide that hospitality is not about us, and move on. Otherwise we get hurt feelings, don’t we?
I’d love to come to your Christmas party this year :)
I think you’re right – sadly, just not as many people entertain anymore.
If she is burned out, maybe she could host something easier – like a potluck or a meet-up at a favorite restaurant. Or maybe she just needs a much-needed break from entertaining this year!
Hi, Tootie. I think you are right. Stop and take a break when there is burn out. I’ve really there are seasons in life when entertaining comes easier for us. :) Thanks for sharing.
OMG! I can totally relate! But let me say, you are young—and it will NEVER change.
We too have quite a large group of friends that do/plan nothing—and haven’t for over 25 years now. There is only one other person besides me in our group that does anything—it’s always her or me that plans anything. The others always have excuses—“well, I can’t think of anything until after this wedding.” To which I responded, “okay, but what about the last 25 years?” That guilted her in to doing something—after the wedding—at least it was one thing after all these years. Prior to that, we had never been invited.
I’m hosting yet another Italian dinner in December and have trimmed my list to just 3 couples. In our larger group, we have NEVER been invited for dinner by 3 of them in all these years—yet they are the first to accept any plans I make.
You are right, entertaining is expensive. I don’t do it for reciprocation—we like to do things—games, parties, sporting events, etc. My one friend and I that do it “ALL” go on “strike” once in awhile—saying we are not going to plan another thing. Then we just can’t hold out.
I’ve definitely scaled back on what I do. Even if you have people “bring” things, the brunt of the work is always going to be on you. And, yes, as I’m cleaning up the mess at midnight, I get resentful. If it weren’t for my one friend that actually shares my “pain”, I’d probably have stopped long ago. Now I just pick and choose what I want to do and who I want to invite. I stopped worrying about—“what if so and so finds out I did something and didn’t invite them.” The worst that could happen is that they wouldn’t invite me to the things they NEVER have anyway! Years ago, I was actually accused by one of my so-called friends of “hogging” all the parties. I told her then and still feel the same way—I would love for someone else to “step up” once in awhile. It would be so nice to just be a guest once in awhile—and get to go home to clean house of your own.
What worked:
We started a poker group 25 years ago. We rotate houses monthly, guys play poker, girls go out to dinner. That is still going on and fun.
We still have an ornament exchange every year—even though myself or other said friend host—each person brings an appetizer of dessert. I’m getting a little bored with it after all these years, but it is still going. Now we’ve expanded to include our adult daughters—which is fun.
What didn’t work:
A monthly movie and dinner—we were each to take a turn planning it—after a couple of months, it just fizzled out.
I started a “supper club”—each of us was to take one month for the year and prepare dinner for the group. That lasted just 3 months before someone dropped the ball.
Sorry to ramble so long–or to sound so discouraging. But I just want you to know that very few people are actually “doers.” And that’s a “bummer” for us.
Barbara, thank you for sharing what worked and what didn’t work for you. I think you are right that more people are doers. I love what Myrna shared below: Hospitality is a gift that I can extend to others. When it is given with strings attached—it’s no longer a gift, but something else—-a transaction of sorts. We never invite ahead of time thinking “I wonder if they will invite us over.” In fact, I have no expectations, which frees me up. Thanks for keeping it real though. If you lived in our town, we’d love to reciprocate! :)