A Cry for Help–I Don’t Want to Entertain Over the Holidays
The holidays are here, whether we like it or not. November is the month we start planning, getting dates on the calendar, inviting, thinking up menus, cooking, getting our houses ready for the holidays.
Are you excited or do you already feel burned out … and the festivities haven’t even begun?
A long-time follower of RE recently wrote to me, and in true honesty, I thanked her for being real. Real, because I know many of us dread the holidays and have the exact same feelings.
I’m not a reluctant entertainer by any means; in fact, I regularly offer to host gatherings at my house and throw a couple of big parties each year. However, I am frustrated.
I feel that in our group of friends, I am the ONLY one who actually hosts people. It seems as though everyone else has one excuse or another as to why they can’t have people over. So as a result, I am the one putting out quite a bit of money and time to host people, and I feel as though I receive nothing in return. I understand that the payoff for me should be that everyone has a great time, and I am happy when they do, but it’d be nice to not have to cram a lot of people into my smallish house once in awhile and deal with the setup, cleanup, and aftermath of spending a few hundred dollars to entertain.
Much of my frustration came about recently when I hosted a party. I didn’t get a chance to mingle as much as I had wanted and I ended up not enjoying myself at all–to the point where I’m not doing this again next year. Even with small get-togethers, we are friends with only one couple that reciprocates at all when it comes to entertaining. It’s nice to not have to do most of the work sometimes and to feel appreciated when we are invited to someone else’s house. But with most of our friends, we are either going out to a restaurant or meeting up at my house.
My husband and I wonder, are we just not on the “A” list and maybe some of our friends really are entertaining and they just don’t invite us? I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings about all of this. As we come upon the holiday season, I’d love to have a few couples over but then again, I don’t feel as though it should be up to me to host ALL THE TIME if we want to see each other. Ironically, my house is the smallest of all in our circle of friends, yet I’m always the hostess.
What do you think? Do I just need to get over myself and be grateful that people like to come to my house and that they end up having a good time, or am I a little justified in not wanting to always put out the expense and the work it takes to be a good hostess? Or is it something else all together?
I think people are just not entertaining like they should. I doubt there is an A list. I know people have judged me for having an A list, when in reality sometimes we just want to invite people over who inspire and lift others up, who are encouraging and know how to have a fun time. The other thing about A or B lists is that, in our minds, we build traditions. As in, this group comes together, and the next time, the same people should be invited.
I like to mix it up. That is what hospitality is all about. And it’s always rewarding to invite new people over. Life is about growing, building new relationships, expanding our horizons, and getting to know new people and what they are about.
It’s inspiring to invite new people over. It’s also comfortable to invite long-time friends over.
Signs of entertaining burnout:
You did not enjoy yourself when the guests left
You did too much
You didn’t delegate any of the dishes
You didn’t have a good attitude
You didn’t include your spouse’s opinion in the first place. Was he/she on board?
You’re resentful of the money spent
You’re resentful of no reciprocation
You’re inviting out of obligation, not because you want to form new relationships or stronger bonds
There’s nothing worse than bad feelings when you shut the door after the last guest leaves.
I could be judged on this answer, but make sure that if you’re feeling burn-out, the next time you should simplify, invite people you really want to be with, delegate so you don’t have to do it all, and that you do a heart check (again, my husband is my barometer).
The last time you entertained, how did you feel when your guests left?
Hello and welcome to my home and table!
I’m Sandy—lover of food, family, cooking, THE BIG BOARD, travel, and bringing people together. Through great recipes and connection around the table, we become better, stronger, and more courageous people. Feasting on Life is real, and every time we do it, we grow a little more. Read more...
first, i’ll say that i come from the view of the non-entertainer. i don’t enjoy hosting and rarely have people over. my core group of friends consists of 9 ladies and we have had an annual girls sleepover for the past few years. recently, people have been puching for me to host the events, eventhough others are the “party planners” and voulnteer readily to host. i just don’t understand the thought of people inviting others to someone else’s home.
my suggestion to this letter is if you don’t want to host, then don’t host. it’s a s simple as that.
WOW, I needed this! I needed to hear that I wasn’t the only one struggling with a lack of reciprocity among my friends. I entertain alot, and enjoy it. Yet I honestly can not remember the last time someone had us over to THEIR house to eat THEIR food. Seriously. Can’t remember. I was wondering about the A list thing too, as we don’t have one. I invite everyone!
I think people don’t entertain like they used to, though they’re happy to only receive and never give. My solution has been to only entertain when I truly want to and am happy about it.
Wow! This post was excellent! I too have felt the same, especially over the last year.
We were entertaining a small group (rotating friends) at least twice a month and larger groups about every other month. My kids were hosting movie parties every week in the summer. I loved it and our house was always full. I love opening my home. I love feeding people. I love getting together with friends. If you are sick or just had a baby, I’m there to drop off a meal. But eventually you do start to feel worn down and feelings do start to get hurt when you are the only ones ever inviting.
I’m not saying I want an invite every time I open my home but it would be nice if an invitation was extended every once in awhile. Some have commented that their friends weren’t opening their homes at all. But it does hurt when you know your friends are inviting others (and each other) into their homes and it is never extended to you. It’s funny. Sometimes my friends will even come up to me and say ” Hey you haven’t had us over in awhile, when are you going to invite us over for dinner?” I always want to say ” Well, since you’ve been to my house the last 12 times, maybe it’s your turn.”
This is a constant battle that goes on in my heart. I know I have been called by God to exercise the gift of hospitality but that doesn’t mean that it is easy. One night I had been up battling my feelings all night. Not just for me but the hurt my kids have felt with the same issue of always being the ones to host and hardly ever being invited back. After a long night of prayer and crying i was getting ready for my day when all of the sudden my phone started blowing up with texts. Our friends (who happen to be one of the families that does reciprocate) had been reading in Proverbs 22 about a generous man, and decided to thank me for always showing hospitality to others. It warmed my heart, made me cry even more and encouraged me so much.
I have stepped back a little. We still open our home, just not as often and I still take meals over but we mostly spend time with the people who give back. I do miss the constant vibe of people in the home. But if you are only making with-drawls and no deposits are made eventually you have nothing.
That letter hit on a lot of things my husband and I have been feeling lately. We do tons of entertaining and we love it, but it is hard that we very rarely get invited to anyone else’s home. As a military spouse, my husband is gone about half of the time, and it gets difficult when the only time I eat with anyone other than my two young children while he is gone is if I invite people over and do it all myself.
However, I was so encouraged reading through all of these comments. It’s not about me, it’s about what the Lord can do through me in the lives of those around me. Having expectations of getting anything in return just leads to disappointment because I’m focusing on myself and not on the One worthy of my focus.
My husband has a long time friend we invited to dinner. He was a work friend so hubby went all out with the best wine, best bakery bread, fresh lobster. The couple came, had a great time, so when they said they would host us in a few weeks, hubby took them seriously. Of course, surprise, surprise, no invitation ever came. Now it is time for their annual holiday party and he does not only not want to go, but states he does not consider them the “great friends” he thought they were. I almost feel guilty for putting us out there like that and the results were that he doesn’t feel the same about this guy and his wife anymore.
While I find most invitations I receive are of the “pocketbook, Pampered Chef, Tupperware party” variety, I try to remember that line about entertaining angels unaware.
Hi Sandy,
I totally understand your feelings about being the only one to offer to entertain. MY Mom for years has always hosting/entertaining in her home. When I was a little girl, I remembered my Mother and Father always having company over- Drinks flowing, food and card game playing. We always peaked our heads out of the room to see all of the excitment! Well, now my Mom – a widow still likes entertaining; although with some ailments, still likes to cook for her family and friends. For years she’s invited, aside from her immediate family ; cousins, aunts, uncles, neices and nephews, but out of all these people, no-one has offered- except her own children to host or invite her to their homes. Of course, you know how it is; nobody wants to cook or host they just want to be invited- I think it’s a bit selfish. It’s like a catchers mitt; always catching but there’s no thowing back.
Hi All,
I am the original letter writer, and I have gained some very valuable insight from your comments. I do believe that I am burned out, at least as far as hosting a large group of people is concerned. I think Sandy’s advice to mix it up is really helpful. I decided that I would rather do smaller get togethers with different people, and like one of the commenters (or maybe it was Sandy?) said, I can’t worry about so-and-so finding out that I had another couple over for dinner and didn’t invite them. I can always rotate so that everyone is invited. I’m thinking I should throw all of their names in a hat and just pull 2 out at a time and invite those 2 couples over. It might make for some really fun mixing. And my friend who does often reciprocate is having us and another couple over this weekend for Sunday dinner where we will start early and end early so we can all be ready for work on Monday morning. We are each bringing a main dish, and I think that 6 people total will really work out well.
I didn’t mention that because I grew up with 5 siblings and we lived in a tiny house, my parents NEVER entertained. I think I went the opposite way and may have gone overboard. Hence, the burnout.
Once again, I really enjoyed reading the comments and I’ve learned alot. Thank you too Sandy for posting my letter and allowing others to offer their insight.
As I read this I thought, this will hit a cord with lots of your readers…it did me. Sandy, you have faithfully helped us all think about the reason for why we entertain, and to include our guests in the process. You are tremendously encouraging and inspiring.
I see that my younger 20-something neighbors have lots of gatherings and are invited to many as well. I think as we grow older and have more commitments that friends tend to step out of the entertaining arena. Regardless of our stage in life, my husband reminds me that it’s all about relationships. And for that reason we need to find ways to extend hospitality despite the perceived return on investment. We may have entertained angels unawares…..
Diane. Wise words from your husband:
“Regardless of our stage in life, my husband reminds me that it’s all about relationships. And for that reason we need to find ways to extend hospitality despite the perceived return on investment.”
Oh Sandy, that hit the nail on the head. I am in the same boat with a group. But I do it anyway because all invited have a wonderful time and i love seeing the group mingling. The last time they left, I felt good, i had a chance to mingle, we do a tapas thing and everyone brings a dish, some bring their drinks, some drink what we have on hand, it took me half a day to set up and 45 minutes with my husband to put it all up and wash the dishes, etc. and then we sat on the patio for another hour plus and laughed about the good time we had. I would hate not to see these friends. xo marlis
Marlis, we entertained the last 2 weekends, both having new people into our home. I, too, felt the same way …. even with new friends.
Thank you for your words, here, and a reminder of why we do what we do:
“I would hate not to see these friends.”
I am blessed to have the gift of hospitality and it is easy for me to plan a dinner party, invite people we don’t yet know, and plan some ice breakers. Reciprocation is not expected now, but I used to feel some rejection that we were not invited to other homes, but I realized there were no parties there. Not everyone can entertain or enjoys entertaining. As I have aged, it is a bit more difficult to get everything ready at the same time, but I think our guests would rather have a bit of confusion here than stay home and have a placid evening by themselves. I can laugh at myself more now and it makes for good conversation. Our children enjoy entertaining and are all good cooks, which I think of as the fruit of my labor.
I have taken breaks from entertaining which helps my attitude. Scaling down is needed to maintain one’s interest and motivation. I am thinking of repeating a luncheon I had many years ago. I invited several ladies for lunch the week before Christmas. On the invitation I wrote that I know they have much to do, but it would be good to take a break, share ideas with friends, and we all need to eat, so let’s do it together at my house. It was so easy and so very enjoyable.
As always, Sandy, your advice was right on. Please keep up the good work.
Ellen, thank you so much.
I love your words here. Everyone should read them:
“As I have aged, it is a bit more difficult to get everything ready at the same time, but I think our guests would rather have a bit of confusion here than stay home and have a placid evening by themselves. I can laugh at myself more now and it makes for good conversation. Our children enjoy entertaining and are all good cooks, which I think of as the fruit of my labor.”