Dumping Your Christmas To-Do List On Your Family
Too many years I’ve dreamed and come up with an enormous list of things that our family should do over the holidays.
Things like baking, sharing, checking out the neighborhood lights, visiting Santa and the shut-ins, making our own ornaments and stringing popcorn, playing games all day on Christmas Day, hosting parties, attending church services, chopping our tree in the great outdoors, hosting an open house, having the entire family help with Christmas cards (yah, right), you name it …. I wanted to do it.
It’s wonderful to be enthusiastic over the holidays, but now that my kids are teens, and I’ve learned a good, hard lesson about life during December, I want to share a few insights.
-Make a list of your dreams.
-Share it with your family in November (the last day – today!)
-Decide what’s important for your entire family.
-Decide what you want to keep as a tradition.
-Cross off the things that don’t get the “votes.”
-You may need to narrow it down even further.
-Agree that you won’t have hurt feelings.
As a mom, I know that I get very excited over the holidays, but I can also carry my over-exhuberance over to the family. I can put my expectations in their laps, so they inherit my “to do” list when they are wanting “simple.”
I’ve learned that every year I start off with good intentions, but I can get off track.
This year I’m going to create my list, keep my list, and keep checking my list … so that I stay on track.
Do you get swayed into doing too much during the holidays?
How do you rate yourself when it comes to dumping your “to-do” list on the family?
On a scale from 1-5:
1 – you keep your agenda to yourself
5 – you put expectations on your familyI can’t wait to hear your answers. They may even be a little giveaway for the best answer. Be real, friends. And if you have good tips, let’s share them and help each other out.
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I’m Sandy—lover of food, family, cooking, THE BIG BOARD, travel, and bringing people together. Through great recipes and connection around the table, we become better, stronger, and more courageous people. Feasting on Life is real, and every time we do it, we grow a little more. Read more...
I too am the mother of two teenage boys (well, one just turned 12 in August so not quite a teen yet) and your response resonates with me. I always felt the need to make the holiday perfect because I never had the “perfect” Christmas growing up, so now was the time to make up for all of that, right? Well, my boys have had good Christmases with none of the bad memories I’ve had, so who am I trying to please other than myself?
Anyway, this month is very busy for us and I decided I only wanted to do one special thing, which we will be doing as a family tomorrow. After that, they are free to go camping (yes, camping) the weekend before Christmas and I won’t be upset. I decided that I will enjoy that little bit of freedom that weekend and attend a concert that they probably wouldn’t want to see anyway.
So this year is about trying to find balance in what my family wants to do and what I want to do.
Great post Sandy!
I love it! Glad we’re cheering each other on, Kathy. Blessings all month…..
Oh, and I’ve just realized one way I’m practicing this already this year…Instead of pushing for my traditional Advent-oriented nightly activities (sponsored by Mom!), I’ve been blessed to watch my husband initiate reading to our sons every night at bedtime from a devotional book that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas!! Imagine that?! : ) And they’re loving it.
Well, you have spoken to my heart, Sandy — not for the first time! These thoughts have lingered with me all day long. I’m really in the middle of a season-change in my life, adjusting to the reality that my children are now teenagers (both boys to boot!), and that my dreamy, driving ambitions for Christmastime are not necessarily what make the season special for all these men in my life.
I think perhaps your post is the first time I have insight to see that my mental list (so like yours) is not the substance of what makes Christmas warm, wonderful, and Christmas-ish. I put so much pressure on myself to make it all memorable and meaningful. I do believe that we as mothers are in large part the “holiday-makers,” but I’m pretty sure I have often ended up cramming it all down their throats and feeling affronted, or at least disappointed, when it didn’t seem to jive with everybody else. (Sounds pretty much like a 5, huh? haha) Today I have a new hope — not to be afraid of letting go of my ideals & expectations, scaling back, letting my family set more of the tone, and honoring the gift of each moment by letting it simply be enough.
Thank you for being a life-giving example to me.
My children are little, so they go for the baking cookies and stuff. What I had to let go was the advent scriptures we were trying to read last night (yes, I know advent started on Sunday and last night was Wed….I’m flexible!) The kids had lingered over dinner and it was just too late for them to be quiet and content. We may have to read the scripture over the table and then light the candles and sing a song for this to work.
My husband is Mr. Christmas so we’ve had 8 Christmases together of me trying to figure out where I fit in his plans…it’s been a struggle. Advent is all me (he’s a believer and likes it, but it isn’t his tradition).
I thought we were doing okay until last night I asked him if perhaps Santa should come while we were away with his family for Christmas and the kids would get to enjoy Santa when we came home. He sort of blew up about me not even considering his family traditions sometimes. And here I thought we’d finally gotten to a good balance. We even talked about a Christmas bucket list together…sigh.
I think this is just a fraught time where all of the issues with being raised in two different families take on a weird sparkley attitude. I also think the Prince of Darkness likes to take our focus off of what the season is really all about, and he’ll use anything (traditions, temper, expectations, weariness, colds, etc.) in his arsonal to do it.
Expectations are dangerous in my house. I think maybe we’ll have it all figured out in Heaven. :)
Oh Sandy..your words have pinched…I struggle with this one..we actually had “the talk”-all five of us..ages 43,43,19,16,12………my anti-socials all said- “eh, no parties” which we did last year…however, I sweet talked them into a craft party, a cookie exchange, a family party and a few small impromptus…well, the first party went well as my boys went hunting and the girls had girlfriends over while we “big gals” crafted…but, yes-they get sucked(aka-forced) into helping with the added projects/cleaning/prep work…so on your scale I admit I may be a 4.5?? EECK!! But, I took to heart a post of yours from a few weeks ago- about avoiding burnout and took your (and my hubby’s) advice and only invited those closest to my heart rather than everyone and their brother to avoid offending someone…and then we PRAYED before the party kicked off- inviting the Holy Spirit to be the guest of honor..Christmas is His after all :)-and every day for that matter :)..and WOW..it was awesome..we laughed and cried and prayed over the hurting ones..thank you for all your insights this Christmastime..Blessings one and all…
It’s just me and The Man now … we’re good and balanced most days. (wink, wink)
This evening our family came up with a list of things to do for Christmas. The boys (ages 7 & 3) are just so excited about Christmas Day, so doing a little bit of something each day will help us enjoy all season long. This year we’re in the middle of selling our house & moving out by the end of December, so I’m keeping the stress low by opting out of Christmas cards this year. We’ll still take a family photo, because that is a must for us, but we may only share it virtually this year. I may send cards to folks who mail us one, with a personal message, but that’s it.
I never expect my hubby to put up the Christmas decor…I love doing it & he’ll do the laundry for me. It’s a win-win. I guess I rate a “3” on your scale.
-Jen
I’m more concerned about not inheriting things to do from other family member’s to-do list! Our daughter can’t get enough of decorations and complained that our house is “really boring” after my husband spent three hours on the roof! :) We always get our tree and put up the outdoor lights over Thanksgiving weekend and other than that, things happen when they happen! I’m pretty low-key about things but I might be at risk of “slacking”, in some people’s eyes. Luckily, mom parents live down the street and my mom is crazy about decorating, so I have the kids run down there to help. They all love it. :)
We’ve done the gamut from full-out to full stop. We’re happily somewhere in between at this point in our lives. Each year is different, and the only tradition I cling to is outside lights on the first Sunday in Advent, and I might kick that trad to the curb if a cruise opportunity came my way. My epiphany year was the year Super Techlet was about 12. We were talking about when to roll, cut out and decorate sugar cookies. In the midst of planning she said, “Mom. I HATE making and decorating sugar cookies!” I blinked. Once. Twice. Three times, and laughed. Good to know. I had this on my list because I thought it was an experience she wanted and that I should provide. We had been doing those cookies for a long time. Yep. Kicked. To. The. Curb.
The long and short of it, Sandy, is that this post resonated with me today. Yes, it did. :)
Those are some loaded questions! I honestly have to say, I usually fall somewhere in the middle. However, this year I am really hoping things are different. We (as a family) have spent the past year simplifying our home, getting rid of things we don’t need, keeping only what is truly useful and has meaning to us. We want that to carry over into the holiday season. I used to run around like a mad woman trying to create the “perfect” Christmas. We all know, no matter how hard we try and how much we plan, nothing ever ends up perfect! Take this year already…I thought I was ahead of the game, already had a few presents purchased and wrapped. Our oldest went and bought herself new pots and pans on Black Friday…oops…mom and dad already had purchased and wrapped a set for her (we gave them to her early and she decided she liked them better, returned the ones she purchased), and we also purchased a purse she’d been wanting…sister yells down to me yesterday, “mom, don’t buy her that purse”, her boyfriend is getting it for her…oops, we will be returning the one we purchased and had wrapped already. Nothing ends up perfect!
The biggest change is that I am lowering my expectations, and by doing so, my family will be the ones relieved. They don’t like mom when she is acting like a crazy woman, worrying about the perfect gifts, wrapping all of them, baking, decorating, cleaning because company is coming. In fact, they tend to find anything and everything to do outside the home to avoid “that” mom!!! I realized I was missing out on time with my family trying to please everyone else. I was like that young teenage girl wanting to please and impress everyone, fit in and be popular…instead, I ended up the bully that no one likes!
A year ago my dear friend and neighbor was supposed to host our annual Holiday Bunco gathering. Just a couple days before, she had to back out (her husband was having surgery and she felt she couldn’t get her house ready). I said I would be happy to have everyone at our home. One of the other ladies in our group thanked me upon arriving to our home. She said most would not have opened their home during the holidays on such short notice, they would not have been “prepared”. I told her, “we are friends, almost family really, and I know you are all here to enjoy time together not critique my home”. She to this day tells me how much that meant to her and has helped her to open her home more often.
I learned two things last year-one, that I never want my friends and family to feel like they have to impress me to have them in their home, and two, by letting my own guard down I not only grew personally, but I helped someone else be able to do the same.
I would say I’m about a 2. I love the holidays and I love decorating, but I know my family may not be as “in to it” as I am, so I let them pick and choose what they want to do. This year my oldest decorated most of the tree (on her own initiative)…my youngest claimed the christmas village and her willow tree nativity. I took care of the rest. And when hubby came home and decided they needed to do the village bigger and had an “amazing” idea which involved moving the tree and a few other things around I decided to not interfere or get worked up, but to let them have fun, and, okay, it does look good. I think deciding to not have huge expectations is key. If it happens, great, if not, I’m not going to get worked up over it.
For years I was a retail manager, and had to “finish” Christmas by November 12 or it simply would not happen with my work schedule. I would have my cards ready to be mailed, dinner and cookies in the freezer, gifts purchased, wrapped and tucked away.
Honestly, that wasn’t much fun but it took a big load of stress off.
Then I switched careers and my current holiday schedule is my easiest time of the year at work. So I started adding more and more “things to do” to my christmas list because I felt like I had been missing out all these years.
It got so stressfull to complete it all, I wasn’t enjoying it any longer – and neither was my family! So this year I decided to pare down the deco’s and not put up all of the tchochkies, simple wreaths and a spotlight for outdoor decos. I’m hosting a cookie swap to combine my need to entertain for the holidays and make the baking easier, and have carefully planned my “family fun day” with my neices and nephew.
We have kept our most treasured traditions and both the house and my head feel “cleaner”.
I guess I wasn’t really missing out on much all those years before!
Hi Sandy,
What a timely post!
On your scale I am probably a 1. Now. Not because I keep my list to myself but more because over the years I’ve really gotten away from making any list at all. I know that it will be my responsibility to do the cooking and have our extended families over for Christmas dinner (I have an easy menu and keep things simple) but much of the planning of what else we’ll do over the Christmas break is actually scheduled by my husband and son with the occasional idea thrown in by me for good measure. :-) And truth be told – now that I’m older – I love being the one who just gets to go along for the ride! :-) And the things they plan are all very family centered – such as touring the lights through the Hill Country or putting together food baskets for the hungry at our church – and not high pressure or over-planned – so it’s fun and to a certain extent (dare I say) relaxing.
But actually, I have learned a lot from my husband about learning how to relax during the holidays. When our son was young, I would walk into the living room where my husband and son would be nestled under the Christmas tree together playing with action figures and giggling. They were both so happy. I would come in, turn the over head lights on and start re-arranging ornaments on the tree that they had moved during their play time together. Can you imagine! Was I the ultimate party-pooper or what?
I was such a horrible control freak worrying and fussing about how everything needed to be perfect every minute of the holiday season. I would rush around here and there pushing myself to exhaustion. And then one day I woke up and realized that my son was getting older and my husband was dreading having folks over…I realized that everyone else HAD been happy and having a good time until I came on the scene. In my desire to have a great holiday season, I was actually creating a miserable one.
When we would look at photos together as a family from past Christmases, my son would say things like “Oh remember how mom had been fussing at us to clean-up right before this picture.” And my husband would respond with, “Oh I remember alright…I can’t stand having to clean-up before folks come over.”
I was mortified that this was how my family had remembered Christmas! Right then and there I had an epiphany! I thought “Oh no, I really don’t want my son to grow up remembering mom re-hanging every single ornament he hung on the tree and my husband (who loves the holidays) to grow to hate the holidays! What the heck am I doing???” It wasn’t easy but over time I learned to start letting go (I prayed A LOT!) and just started learning to enjoy life (outside of the holidays as well!) – even with ornaments here and there, the house a bit cluttered, and my menu not perfect (it’s OK if I don’t have the apricots from Hunza! LOL!! – Can you imagine???)
And what a surprise! Once I started to let go and just enjoy the time with my family, I was really happy. During the Christmas break, my husband is usually off from work for about two weeks so he and our son really enjoy planning on what we’ll do during that time. We’ve usually already purchased our tree (the day after Thanksgiving) and decorated it. And speaking of decorating – it’s something we do as a family – – – and boy does that make it much easier. My husband and son haul it in from off of the top of the car and set it up. Next they add the lights. I’m usually putting on Christmas music and making hot chocolate while this heavy lifting is going on. Truth be told, I just try to sequester myself in the kitchen so as to avoid being pulled into any heavy lifting! LOL!!!
Once the lights are on, we all hang ornaments together and put just a few decorations around the living room – the manger and some fireplace mantel lights. For the outside, I hang some lights on our fence and my husband and son set up the illuminated manger – again, I leave the heavy lifting to them! :-) All of this takes us a few hours to do and then we’re done and free to enjoy the tree and decorations…and my husband and son – who is a young teen now – still nestle under the tree and play!…and now I join them too!
So, not sure if this is a “tip” in the traditional sense but what I have learned over the years (which I guess may sound a bit corny but it took me a long time to learn!) is that learning to focus on PEOPLE by being self-less and loving others – from family to friends to strangers who may need our help – will make the holiday season much more enjoyable and memorable (in a good way) than if I had spent my time focusing…and fussing…on “STUFF”.
Hope you’re having a great week!
Love,
Mary
PS – So sorry my dog pic showed up on your Facebook. I thought it would go into the comment I wrote regarding your adorable dog. I LOVE dogs and sometimes get a bit overzealous! :-)
I’m probably a 4 if I am to be honest!! I am, thanks to all of your series on entertaining and what that really means, am trying to just do the things that are worth it. Just relaxing and enjoying this special time with my family and friends. I have 3 kids in college, and still 2 younger ones at home, so I feel I still have to do with the younger ones what I did with the older ones.
My family is still young, so I hope to learn a few things along the years to make the holidays less a burden. Many things I’ve gleamed onto from my childhood and would like to see passed along. So I’m going to rate myself a 2-3, more close to 2. The holidays get staged mainly at my timing, no set time frame other than the week before Thanksgiving. The holidays quickly become a blur so I give half and half to Fall and Winter agendas. Easier for me to feel a head start in both directions, cleanup and setting up. Whenever my children take an interest to start baking, I get a batch started. Growing up my Mom and I ALWAYS baked for the holidays, and LOTS of varieties. I like to keep it in smaller quanitities and let one be their fun choice. Every year they look forward to finding a new one. Holidays should be fun and if we have the energy, an inpromptu gathering with close friends, and family if they are in town…
I think I’m pretty happy with how I do things. I decided years ago that I can’t do it all, so I only really do a couple of things in a big way. My big Christmas thing is dipping chocolates (which I’m in the middle of right now!). I go through 20 lbs. of chocolate. I don’t do much baking (sometimes the kids convince me to do a gingerbread house), I don’t do a lot of decorating that I’m no good at anyway, I try to just do a few things well. Only the children in the extended family get gifts (and our parents), and I sew most of those things. Almost everyone else in the world gets chocolate.
Well, to start, this year I went through the myriad of boxes pulled down from the attic and just started purging those un-used Christmas decorations and boxing them up for Goodwill. Tired of hanging on to them because ‘so and so’ gave it to us, etc. I am pretty sure that someone could literally decorate an entire house in what i gave away LOL.
As for the delegating, i have handed off everything but the meat and drinks to the family for Christmas Eve dinner. I did almost everything last year and didn’t enjoy it, ran late, nothing came out on time warm and it just plain stressed me out – not this year. If you want green bean, i suggest your bring them – otherwise there will be just a lot of prime rib and sweet tea. :)
Every year I say “last year was too much, you need to simplify” and every year I seem to get caught up in the “must do, must see, must have” of the season. This year is definitely different because we’ve moved away from family, I’ve retired from a very busy job (retail at Christmas -yikes) and the kids are all on their own now. So anything we do, we are going to be doing for us. Church on Christmas Eve -you bet. Cards for all the neighbours – nope.
I’m probably a 2 on your scale – the to do list is mostly mine, but my wonderful husband will step in when I cry for help (usually around the 20th of December from under a pile of unwrapped gifts).
Since there are only two of us here it hardly seems fair to answer your question, LOL! DH would willing ignore the whole holiday so whatever I want is fine with him. We do keep it to a small scale for the most part but Christmas Dinner for the entire family is at our house so I pull out all the stops for that. DH is a great cook so he’s always as excited about hosting the dinner as I am.
Darla
Now that my kids are teens, they are in charge of decorating the Xmas tree. They love going through each ornament as they hang them on the tree; I love sitting in the living room and watching the festivities!
I think I’m pretty balanced – maybe a 2 or 3 on your scale.
Lots of things have changed around here in recent years, and I have learned to LOWER my expectations. That sounds terrible — but you know what I mean. I realized that I “did” Christmas cards because everyone else expected me to — which wasn’t a good use of my time. If I’m in the mood, I’ll send some. Otherwise, I’ve learned that just because it’s everybody else’s “thing”, it doesn’t have to be mine.
The tree was always such an effort for me. Loved the result, got frustrated over the process. My daughter on the other hand LOVES to put it up. So, when she was about 11, she started taking on that responsibility. I’ve “let the tree go.” That’s her department, and I am appreciative when the job is done.
AND, shocker of all shockers… I don’t necessarily put up every decoration and ornament any more. I don’t pull out every Christmas dish. Some years I “feel” it, and so it’s worth it to me, other years not so much.
I’ve learned to go with the flow more around here, and overall, I’d have to say that that puts fewer expectations on my family as well as myself. With less “extra” stuff to do, we can relax and enjoy the Christmas Season, and remember it’s TRUE REASON. ~Sally