Dumping Your Christmas To-Do List On Your Family
Too many years I’ve dreamed and come up with an enormous list of things that our family should do over the holidays.
Things like baking, sharing, checking out the neighborhood lights, visiting Santa and the shut-ins, making our own ornaments and stringing popcorn, playing games all day on Christmas Day, hosting parties, attending church services, chopping our tree in the great outdoors, hosting an open house, having the entire family help with Christmas cards (yah, right), you name it …. I wanted to do it.
It’s wonderful to be enthusiastic over the holidays, but now that my kids are teens, and I’ve learned a good, hard lesson about life during December, I want to share a few insights.
-Make a list of your dreams.
-Share it with your family in November (the last day – today!)
-Decide what’s important for your entire family.
-Decide what you want to keep as a tradition.
-Cross off the things that don’t get the “votes.”
-You may need to narrow it down even further.
-Agree that you won’t have hurt feelings.
As a mom, I know that I get very excited over the holidays, but I can also carry my over-exhuberance over to the family. I can put my expectations in their laps, so they inherit my “to do” list when they are wanting “simple.”
I’ve learned that every year I start off with good intentions, but I can get off track.
This year I’m going to create my list, keep my list, and keep checking my list … so that I stay on track.
Do you get swayed into doing too much during the holidays?
How do you rate yourself when it comes to dumping your “to-do” list on the family?
On a scale from 1-5:
1 – you keep your agenda to yourself
5 – you put expectations on your familyI can’t wait to hear your answers. They may even be a little giveaway for the best answer. Be real, friends. And if you have good tips, let’s share them and help each other out.
Hello and welcome to my home and table!
I’m Sandy—lover of food, family, cooking, THE BIG BOARD, travel, and bringing people together. Through great recipes and connection around the table, we become better, stronger, and more courageous people. Feasting on Life is real, and every time we do it, we grow a little more. Read more...
Oh, and I’ve just realized one way I’m practicing this already this year…Instead of pushing for my traditional Advent-oriented nightly activities (sponsored by Mom!), I’ve been blessed to watch my husband initiate reading to our sons every night at bedtime from a devotional book that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas!! Imagine that?! : ) And they’re loving it.
Well, you have spoken to my heart, Sandy — not for the first time! These thoughts have lingered with me all day long. I’m really in the middle of a season-change in my life, adjusting to the reality that my children are now teenagers (both boys to boot!), and that my dreamy, driving ambitions for Christmastime are not necessarily what make the season special for all these men in my life.
I think perhaps your post is the first time I have insight to see that my mental list (so like yours) is not the substance of what makes Christmas warm, wonderful, and Christmas-ish. I put so much pressure on myself to make it all memorable and meaningful. I do believe that we as mothers are in large part the “holiday-makers,” but I’m pretty sure I have often ended up cramming it all down their throats and feeling affronted, or at least disappointed, when it didn’t seem to jive with everybody else. (Sounds pretty much like a 5, huh? haha) Today I have a new hope — not to be afraid of letting go of my ideals & expectations, scaling back, letting my family set more of the tone, and honoring the gift of each moment by letting it simply be enough.
Thank you for being a life-giving example to me.
My children are little, so they go for the baking cookies and stuff. What I had to let go was the advent scriptures we were trying to read last night (yes, I know advent started on Sunday and last night was Wed….I’m flexible!) The kids had lingered over dinner and it was just too late for them to be quiet and content. We may have to read the scripture over the table and then light the candles and sing a song for this to work.
My husband is Mr. Christmas so we’ve had 8 Christmases together of me trying to figure out where I fit in his plans…it’s been a struggle. Advent is all me (he’s a believer and likes it, but it isn’t his tradition).
I thought we were doing okay until last night I asked him if perhaps Santa should come while we were away with his family for Christmas and the kids would get to enjoy Santa when we came home. He sort of blew up about me not even considering his family traditions sometimes. And here I thought we’d finally gotten to a good balance. We even talked about a Christmas bucket list together…sigh.
I think this is just a fraught time where all of the issues with being raised in two different families take on a weird sparkley attitude. I also think the Prince of Darkness likes to take our focus off of what the season is really all about, and he’ll use anything (traditions, temper, expectations, weariness, colds, etc.) in his arsonal to do it.
Expectations are dangerous in my house. I think maybe we’ll have it all figured out in Heaven. :)
Oh Sandy..your words have pinched…I struggle with this one..we actually had “the talk”-all five of us..ages 43,43,19,16,12………my anti-socials all said- “eh, no parties” which we did last year…however, I sweet talked them into a craft party, a cookie exchange, a family party and a few small impromptus…well, the first party went well as my boys went hunting and the girls had girlfriends over while we “big gals” crafted…but, yes-they get sucked(aka-forced) into helping with the added projects/cleaning/prep work…so on your scale I admit I may be a 4.5?? EECK!! But, I took to heart a post of yours from a few weeks ago- about avoiding burnout and took your (and my hubby’s) advice and only invited those closest to my heart rather than everyone and their brother to avoid offending someone…and then we PRAYED before the party kicked off- inviting the Holy Spirit to be the guest of honor..Christmas is His after all :)-and every day for that matter :)..and WOW..it was awesome..we laughed and cried and prayed over the hurting ones..thank you for all your insights this Christmastime..Blessings one and all…
It’s just me and The Man now … we’re good and balanced most days. (wink, wink)
This evening our family came up with a list of things to do for Christmas. The boys (ages 7 & 3) are just so excited about Christmas Day, so doing a little bit of something each day will help us enjoy all season long. This year we’re in the middle of selling our house & moving out by the end of December, so I’m keeping the stress low by opting out of Christmas cards this year. We’ll still take a family photo, because that is a must for us, but we may only share it virtually this year. I may send cards to folks who mail us one, with a personal message, but that’s it.
I never expect my hubby to put up the Christmas decor…I love doing it & he’ll do the laundry for me. It’s a win-win. I guess I rate a “3” on your scale.
-Jen
I’m more concerned about not inheriting things to do from other family member’s to-do list! Our daughter can’t get enough of decorations and complained that our house is “really boring” after my husband spent three hours on the roof! :) We always get our tree and put up the outdoor lights over Thanksgiving weekend and other than that, things happen when they happen! I’m pretty low-key about things but I might be at risk of “slacking”, in some people’s eyes. Luckily, mom parents live down the street and my mom is crazy about decorating, so I have the kids run down there to help. They all love it. :)
We’ve done the gamut from full-out to full stop. We’re happily somewhere in between at this point in our lives. Each year is different, and the only tradition I cling to is outside lights on the first Sunday in Advent, and I might kick that trad to the curb if a cruise opportunity came my way. My epiphany year was the year Super Techlet was about 12. We were talking about when to roll, cut out and decorate sugar cookies. In the midst of planning she said, “Mom. I HATE making and decorating sugar cookies!” I blinked. Once. Twice. Three times, and laughed. Good to know. I had this on my list because I thought it was an experience she wanted and that I should provide. We had been doing those cookies for a long time. Yep. Kicked. To. The. Curb.
The long and short of it, Sandy, is that this post resonated with me today. Yes, it did. :)
Those are some loaded questions! I honestly have to say, I usually fall somewhere in the middle. However, this year I am really hoping things are different. We (as a family) have spent the past year simplifying our home, getting rid of things we don’t need, keeping only what is truly useful and has meaning to us. We want that to carry over into the holiday season. I used to run around like a mad woman trying to create the “perfect” Christmas. We all know, no matter how hard we try and how much we plan, nothing ever ends up perfect! Take this year already…I thought I was ahead of the game, already had a few presents purchased and wrapped. Our oldest went and bought herself new pots and pans on Black Friday…oops…mom and dad already had purchased and wrapped a set for her (we gave them to her early and she decided she liked them better, returned the ones she purchased), and we also purchased a purse she’d been wanting…sister yells down to me yesterday, “mom, don’t buy her that purse”, her boyfriend is getting it for her…oops, we will be returning the one we purchased and had wrapped already. Nothing ends up perfect!
The biggest change is that I am lowering my expectations, and by doing so, my family will be the ones relieved. They don’t like mom when she is acting like a crazy woman, worrying about the perfect gifts, wrapping all of them, baking, decorating, cleaning because company is coming. In fact, they tend to find anything and everything to do outside the home to avoid “that” mom!!! I realized I was missing out on time with my family trying to please everyone else. I was like that young teenage girl wanting to please and impress everyone, fit in and be popular…instead, I ended up the bully that no one likes!
A year ago my dear friend and neighbor was supposed to host our annual Holiday Bunco gathering. Just a couple days before, she had to back out (her husband was having surgery and she felt she couldn’t get her house ready). I said I would be happy to have everyone at our home. One of the other ladies in our group thanked me upon arriving to our home. She said most would not have opened their home during the holidays on such short notice, they would not have been “prepared”. I told her, “we are friends, almost family really, and I know you are all here to enjoy time together not critique my home”. She to this day tells me how much that meant to her and has helped her to open her home more often.
I learned two things last year-one, that I never want my friends and family to feel like they have to impress me to have them in their home, and two, by letting my own guard down I not only grew personally, but I helped someone else be able to do the same.
I would say I’m about a 2. I love the holidays and I love decorating, but I know my family may not be as “in to it” as I am, so I let them pick and choose what they want to do. This year my oldest decorated most of the tree (on her own initiative)…my youngest claimed the christmas village and her willow tree nativity. I took care of the rest. And when hubby came home and decided they needed to do the village bigger and had an “amazing” idea which involved moving the tree and a few other things around I decided to not interfere or get worked up, but to let them have fun, and, okay, it does look good. I think deciding to not have huge expectations is key. If it happens, great, if not, I’m not going to get worked up over it.