Hospitality without Reciprocation
Keeping it short here on RE today, friends, because I’m working on my blog (behind the scenes) for a new look! Here’s a sneak peek of my new logo – and tag line. Feast on Life.
New blog design.
I can’t wait to share more – soon! There will be a much easier navagation for finding recipes. Yay.
Touchy hospitality subject.
Here’s a touchy subject to talk about, that I think many of us can relate to.
A person recently shared with me that they entertain quite a bit, but the love is never returned to them.
Which means, reciprocation doesn’t happen, or at least very often.
She told me:
Our problem is that nobody ever wants to return the favor!
Ouch!
Of course resentment kills generosity, if you end up in that place …
Heart check.
We just have to enter into hospitality with the right heart and attitude. We are doing it out of love, generosity, and to get to know people better … It’s not really about us, at all, and it’s really a check that we need to keep in balance. If my mind goes there, I stop myself. I think we’d be better off just canceling a dinner party if we have a poor attitude.
There’s something beautiful about opening your home to others. It’s a lovely, rare moment, that you may never feel or experience again.
It is a gift!
I’d love to hear your tips on keeping a right heart, when you’ve been hurt in this way?
Hello and welcome to my home and table!
I’m Sandy—lover of food, family, cooking, THE BIG BOARD, travel, and bringing people together. Through great recipes and connection around the table, we become better, stronger, and more courageous people. Feasting on Life is real, and every time we do it, we grow a little more. Read more...
I understand the philosophy of “don’t expect anything in return” but I have to say when, over the years, the SAME people accept our hospitality, come over, drink, eat, etc… and not only do any of them rarely return the invite, but when they DO entertain and have people over, they don’t include us! I find that tasteless. We have had impromptu parties, birthday gatherings – where on a whim we invite the parents in and they end up staying until the wee hours – Holiday gatherings, Halloween parties, planned dinners and BBQ’s – you name it – yet are rarely thought of when these same exact guests entertain. I’m over it. It’s rude, classless and cheap. If you can come over to our home, drink, eat, and have a great time – you should reciprocate.
Giving freely only goes so far before resentment sets in. It’s much too noble to even pretend to be fine with constantly giving and never receiving.
It doesn’t have to be a down-the-line, fifty/fifty give-and-take, but repeatedly acknowledging others without being acknowledged in kind, or at least without being told why you aren’t being acknowledged in kind (place is too small for entertaining, can’t afford to entertain, recently became unemployed and money is too tight for gifts, etc.) only teaches people to continue taking advantage.
Every Christmas, my parents have in-laws who show up completely empty-handed on Christmas Day, at whatever time they feel like, and who spend half their time looking down at and manipulating their iGadgets with one hand while holding out their other hand for gifts. In fact, the only time they go out of their way to see my parents is if gift-giving is involved. Neither my parents nor my sister have ever said anything about it, although I know it hurts my mother and frustrates my father. I have to retreat to another room periodically to shed tears out of frustration or to punch the air because I am so pissed off.
Do they ever cook for my folks? Give gifts? Host? Lift a damn finger to show their appreciation? Nope. Not ever. I hate them for it.
The saying that comes to mind here is for those who say they are too intimidated or embarrassed to reciprocate hospitality.
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
Thanks to the downturn we live in the shabbiest house with the tightest income we have ever had. Who cares? Yes, it embarrasses me. We may be able to cook a nice dinner, or if time/health don’t permit we order takeout. But even if it’s chips and beer, the point is fellowship. We invite people over and they always say, “next time, it’s our turn!” and then never follow through. I wouldn’t care otherwise, or even worry about reciprocation, but the half-invite that never comes to pass just feels bad.
Maybe the second part of the spiritual lesson and the right heart is that it’s an opportunity for those who let worry and embarrassment hold them back remember that, and that anyone who seems to be good at hospitality has probably had more practice.
If you don’t return hospitality because you are embarrassed or intimidated, your friend doesn’t know that and only feels the cold shoulder. Isn’t this worth considering?
Sandy, you inspired me years ago when Like Merchant Ships was my go-to blog for encouragement…since then I have become more transparent and hospitable, at one point developing friendship with a couple who later divorced. With openness and love often comes pain. But the old saying that it’s better to have loved than not to have loved at all rings in my head, reminding me that my little world will always remain small unless I’m willing to open up to others.
My biggest hang-up is that the people I become friends with are opposite to my personality. Although we have a few things in common that keep us bonded, our housekeeping and entertaining styles differ. I feel intimidated by a perfect house…although my friends’ houses really are not perfect, I tend to see my home through theirs and feel so inadequate.
I am not OCD…unless company is coming. So then the pressure is on, I become grouchy because I didn’t notice the details I should have before, and my family feels the tension. I resent having all the clean-up because I also handled the shopping, planning, meal prep, cooking, cleaning beforehand. Although I enjoy the fellowship with my friends, the kids need attention from time to time…and it all seems like such a hassle. Ironically, some of our best times of entertaining have been on the fly…
I’ve resorted to having coffee with a friend at a local bistro once a month to get away from the house. Because I homeschool five kids, one graduating this year, I often feel boxed in. Most of my friends homeschool and have their hands full as well…it seems we are entertaining less than ever now. Reciprocation is hoped for but not necessarily expected ;) There’s an understanding that when we are able and it works out for our schedules, we will try to make it happen.
Your quest to encourage us to entertain is not in vain. I personally need that encouragement because I truly feel it is necessary for our families…we just need some help making it happen. Thank you. Your new format is impressive and easy to navigate. I appreciate your efforts to encourage moms like me :)
Angela, there for sure can be pain involved in loving others. It’s happened to me, too. The most important thing for me to learn is to not close my heart toward letting new friends in! Maybe you can get your family involved in helping out so it doesn’t all rest on your shoulders? I think kids should be expected to pitch in … you can make it a family affair! I’m so glad you shared here today!
The heart check that I often have to make is if I’m trying to impress or trying to care and love on those entering my home. My desire is to love on folks who sit at our table, get to know them and feed them well but often times I get caught up in the details. Sometimes the best meals are ones that are simple so I can focus more on the guests or ones that we all make together. Thanks for the thought and inspiration. Blessings to you :)
So true about the simple meals, Becky. I have found that to be so true, also. Thanks for sharing, friend! So geat to meet you last weekend.
My husband and I have been married for 31 years. We have always loved having people in our home, even when we lived in a mobile home in our early married years. We rarely are invited to other people’s homes. It used to bother me, not because I thought the others were being tacky by not reciprocating, but because I wondered if I had said something or done something to offend or hurt their feelings, yet generally things are fine with these people at work, school, church, wherever the connection is. So I set aside my paranoid feelings and said “Oh, well, never mind.” I know that many people feel intimidated about hosting get-togethers at their homes, whether it be just one other couple or an entire party, because they feel inadequate. Maybe their house isn’t nice enough or their furniture is shabby, or this or that. We have purposely signed up to have get-togethers at our house because no one else would. I have opened my home up to 30+ people for Sunday School class get-togethers, thinking if everyone could see how ratty looking my carpet is and yet I still have people over, then maybe just maybe someone will be encouraged. Maybe they’ll realize that their house in comparison is not as bad, or at least no worse, so now that it’s not a competition, then they’ll take that step and open their home up, too. But if they don’t, we’re fine with it. We feel blessed when we have guests, and hope the guests feel blessed to have been here!
You have a great attitude toward hospitality, Pam. I hope lots of people will read your comment here, and be inspired! Thank you for sharing!