Naughty or Nice Awkward Party Invite
A week ago I participated in a dialogue with another reader that I found to be a thought-provoking conversation, and I asked her if I could share it with my readers. Especially since it’s the holiday season and most of us are invited to parties!
Do you ever find yourself in an awkward situation when it comes to party invitations?
Do you stick with your gut and keep your boundaries, because you were planning an “intentional gathering,” or do you turn “nice” and do what everyone wants you to do, thus causing resentment and a party that you wish you’d never had?
I’m going to call it the naughty or nice conversation, as I’m conversing with my reader. What I’ve learned is that most the time, situations work themselves out … but not always …
Here we go …
HER:
I just rec’d an email that I am having a myriad of feelings in reaction to. I’m having some neighbors over for some holiday cheer in December. I worked hard at accommodating schedules since there were three houses that I wanted to include, and they were all important to me. After some coordination, we’ve arrived at a date, and I thought all was well. Today, one of those neighbors invited emailed me, “Can I invite X and Y?” (other neighbors that I don’t really know, but she does) So….what do you think about that? In the past, we’ve been to a gathering at her house that included the woman of the couple. Other than that, I’ve never really dealt with them.
ME:
My take is that if it’s a very casual open house … then why not? If it’s more of “let’s get the 3 families together for an intimate time” … then, no. You could say that you’re really looking forward to a more intimate time with just the 3 families. Also, she could have those families to her home. But again, if it’s really casual, it could be fun!
HER:
Your response confirms my own see-saw response. On the one hand, what harm? On the other, I already picked the people that I wanted to have to my house (and I find it odd that she would want to invite them herself to my house). I emailed my husband and asked him what he thought, and his response was, “Who are they???” One of the families included is new to our neighborhood, so I wanted them to meet the two families that I am closest to–so inviting someone that I don’t really know changes that. I guess it’s really a call between “design” and “flexibility”….hmm.
ME:
I believe in “intentional” hospitality. I’ve been faulted for this. I also think it’s a personality issue. Some people are more “come one, come all.” I have a more purposeful approach. Wanting to introduce a new family to your friends, I think you should stick with your 3 families. Just say you wanted a more intimate party this time.
HER:
One thing that I neglected to include is that when she asked me this, she included all of the invited people on the email–so now everyone will be privy to the question and my response…which definitely was a choice I wish she hadn’t made!
ME:
Ok … well, that changes things. Mm-m-m, that’s not classy! Let me know what you decide. 50/50.
HER:
What do you think? I followed my gut and tried to be as diplomatic about it as I could. Here’s what I sent as a “reply all”:
Emily–
With no intention of being Scrooge, I am going to say “no thanks” to inviting Connie and Bob. Except for the one time you had Alexandra over at your house with us, I don’t really know her and don’t know Bob at all. While this might make for a nice opportunity to get to know them better, I was planning a smaller gathering of those I included.
Hope you still find me merry…
~Karey
ME:
Let me know how it goes.
THE NEXT DAY …
HER:
Thought you’d be interested….I heard back regarding the “awkward invite situation.”
Here’s what Emily had to say on the subject: …and in case I didn’t respond to your last email, OF course I think you’re MERRY. I shouldn’t have extended myself like that and asked to invite folks you don’t know! SORRY!
So let’s close that chapter! All’s well that ends well!
ME:
From the beginning you had our boundaries, you knew what you wanted, and you were firm. Look how it worked out?
HER:
It turned out pretty well. I had come to the conclusion, prior to sending the “final decision” email, that I was either going to have to truly be good with inviting the additional people, or I was going to have to speak the truth in love. After letting the afternoon go by and trying to let it “settle” on me, I realized that the additional people, in my opinion, were going to add a dynamic that I wasn’t seeking when I decided upon the gathering. SO…I tried to say it as honestly yet kindly as I could. (Even though I could have been warmer.) :)
As I said all along, I believe I know Emily well enough to know she meant only good, and I am happy to see the outcome only reinforces that!
I realize this is a long post, but we’ve all been there and have struggled with party invitations – and feeling ‘naughty or nice.’
Welcome to the holidays! :)
How do you handle awkward party invites? Do you ‘go with the flow’ or do you have a more ‘intentional’ approach?
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VERY interesting conversation. I love the term “intentional” as it pertains to hosting. I am in fact an intentional hostess however I never thought of phrasing it that way. I believe the guests/guest list is the KEY factor in entertaining and the addition (or elimination) of unexpected guests can absolutely change the dynamic of the evening.
With that said, the larger the party, the easier it is to work in extras. For a more intimate gathering such as the one mentioned, I wouldn’t be afraid to put my foot down.
Thanks for your advice, Chris. :)
Cindy, Thanks for the advice! I think my daughter can read my mind. She told me yesterday she didn’t think it appropriate that her husband invited other people to our holiday celebration, so she asked me if I wanted them uninvited. I said no, as I don’t want to seem like I’m a scrooge, but I told my daughter I was sticking to my menu, and they or their friends could bring some dishes for their friends to eat. I also suggested if they didn’t want to do that, they could join us for dessert after the main meal. My daughter also offered to pay for all the seafood, which is the main cost, and which I gratefully took her up on. Still doesn’t address my son in law’s insensitivity, but I have decided to deal with that after the holidays, when emotions are not running high, and hurt feelings won’t ruin Christmas Eve or day.Thanks for yor response! It falls into what I was thinking, but its good to be validated that the way I felt about it was not off the wall. Hope you have a wonderfulholiday season.
Kate, I’m happy to hear that Your Holiday is going to be rescued. I really hope that your son-in-law is just so proud of what a WONDERFUL Host and Hostess You and Your Hubby are that he wants to show off Your talents :) Have a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS and Many Good Wishes for the NEW YEAR !
Glad to see how so much has resolved already … encouraging! Thanks for sharing Kate so others can see. :)
Hi thanks for the great advice – I’ve had a number of situations like this this year, and most of the them include my son in law. His mother died seveal years ago, and since then I have cooked for every Thanksgiving and Xmas for the whole family. I don’t mind this, in fact quire enjoyed it until my son in law started inviting exta people at the last minute, changing the venue to his house since our house could not accomodate all the extra people, and expected me to cook all the food and BRING it to their house. I’ve tried to be gracious about it, but finally hit my limit when I found out he has invited another couple with children to our Christmas Eve celebration. At his house. We traditiionally cook a seafood dinner, in fact have done so as a tradition for over 20 years. This couple does not like seafood. I’m really upset about this, and I just don’t know how to handle it. On top of all this my husband and I are retired and have a small income. We actually foot the bill for everything, and don’t get much help from anyone in terms of expense, or clean up. I don’t want to spoil Xmas Eve for anyone, but I am feeling really abused and taken advantage of. What advice would you give me on how to handle this situation?
Kate, why does your Daughter let her Husband impose on You in this way ? ? If my Husband tried to do this to my Mom I’d tell HIM to stay home. Perhaps You could explain that the Christmas Eve meal is quite expensive and is really something special for the people You love. I believe You should stick to Your guns and host Christmas Eve at Your home with Your menu and tell Your son-in-law that if he wants to invite other people maybe he should host his OWN party. By the way, Your Christmas Eve celebration sounds MAGNIFICENT ! !
Hi, Kate. Sorry just getting to this … yesterday was a day of silence for many in blog-land. I agree with Cindy … it would be nice if you could reclaim the holidays and make them what you want them to be. Part of that is standing up to your son-in-law and saying NO. I always recommend the book, Boundaries, if you haven’t read it. It’s a game-changer for sure. The other thing I’ve learned is that just because it’s a tradition, you don’t always have to do it. It’s okay to stop one, and start a new one. Maybe you and your husband could come up with a totally different way of celebrating (next year?). You could be firm with your plans, and let them know of course, that they are invited to join your celebration. Holidays can be so tough … I’ll be praying for you for a smooth transition and that your heart will be full of JOY! Email me any time … :)